I'm sure that it will come as a surprise to some that my 5 year old is in public school. I believe with all my being that homeschool is what is traditional, natural and best for children. I also have let each of my children attend Kindergarten if they so choose. If they succeed and are happy in school, then supplemental learning occurs at home (because I do NOT believe that the school system educates our children to the degree that parents can.) If the child is not succeeding or in simply unhappy there, then they come home by choice.
With all that said, we come to my current topic.
We hear a lot about independence from parenting "experts". Their idea of independence and nature's are two completely different things. We hear that we should put our kids in their own beds at birth, let them cry rather than comfort them, and a host of other mythological techniques which allegedly "encourage independence".
My daughter is in a new school due to a temporary living situation. Yesterday, after her 4th consecutive day at this school, I was informed that I could no longer walk her to class. I must drop her off and let her find her way or walk her to her wing of the school and watch her walk to class. I am not, however, to walk her to the door. The reasoning: they want to encourage independence and have parents who can't break free of their crying children.
My daughter does not cry when I walk her to class. She did cry this morning when I tried to stand at the end of her wing and tell her to walk herself. She was pried and pulled from me while staring at me with those big, blue, pleading eyes. Reaching out for me and begging "please mommy" she was taken away. I felt I was a party to something horrible and nearly unforgivable. I left fighting back tears. I see no logic here whatsoever. "If it ain't broke; don't fix it" never applied more. The exact situation they're claiming to prevent (a crying child clinging to mom) is the exact situation they have now created. It wasn't there and now it is.
And how does this make her independent? I've yet to see a situation where a bird pushed it's young from the nest before he was truly ready. Would doing that make the baby bird independent? It is more likely that he will crash into the ground and die or be injured. Study after study has shown that children who were dependent and clingy as babies, were independent, self-thinking, secure, responsible people in teen and adult years because they're needs had been filled. Those forced into independence (thus not having their needs fulfilled) are those that end up following the crowd, seeking affection through promiscuous behavior and pleasure through drugs.
There is no fine line between encouraging independence and forcing independence upon a child. It's a big fat obvious wall. Encouraging is when we gently support, spur on and give hope to our child once we see that they are physically, mentally and emotionally ready for a task. For instance, an infant of 6 months may be grabbing at food he sees on mom's plate. This may indicate that he's ready for solids. So we give him a bit of cereal or applesauce to test the waters. That's encouraging. Perhaps another child of the same age is not displaying signs of readiness. Do we hold him down and shove food in with a funnel? Of course not! That would be traumatizing (not to mention dangerous).
My 5 year old daughter is ready for school. She's shown her independence enough to skip merrily to class each morning. To get on a bus with her little friends and smile as she waves goodbye. These took time and gentle encouragement by the way. It didn't happen overnight. Now she's adjusted and being told "ready or not.. this is what you'll do. If you don't, we'll force you to do it anyway." I don't see that as encouraging readiness. If I play a part in this forced independence I have abandoned her. Abandonment does not foster independence. Rather, it causes feelings of abandonment. I will not do that to my child.
I do not have a plan. I do not know where this will go. But it wouldn't be my first time up against a system that works against nature. It won't be my last. As always, the she-bear must protect her young from a beast designed to devour.
With all that said, we come to my current topic.
We hear a lot about independence from parenting "experts". Their idea of independence and nature's are two completely different things. We hear that we should put our kids in their own beds at birth, let them cry rather than comfort them, and a host of other mythological techniques which allegedly "encourage independence".
My daughter is in a new school due to a temporary living situation. Yesterday, after her 4th consecutive day at this school, I was informed that I could no longer walk her to class. I must drop her off and let her find her way or walk her to her wing of the school and watch her walk to class. I am not, however, to walk her to the door. The reasoning: they want to encourage independence and have parents who can't break free of their crying children.
My daughter does not cry when I walk her to class. She did cry this morning when I tried to stand at the end of her wing and tell her to walk herself. She was pried and pulled from me while staring at me with those big, blue, pleading eyes. Reaching out for me and begging "please mommy" she was taken away. I felt I was a party to something horrible and nearly unforgivable. I left fighting back tears. I see no logic here whatsoever. "If it ain't broke; don't fix it" never applied more. The exact situation they're claiming to prevent (a crying child clinging to mom) is the exact situation they have now created. It wasn't there and now it is.
And how does this make her independent? I've yet to see a situation where a bird pushed it's young from the nest before he was truly ready. Would doing that make the baby bird independent? It is more likely that he will crash into the ground and die or be injured. Study after study has shown that children who were dependent and clingy as babies, were independent, self-thinking, secure, responsible people in teen and adult years because they're needs had been filled. Those forced into independence (thus not having their needs fulfilled) are those that end up following the crowd, seeking affection through promiscuous behavior and pleasure through drugs.
There is no fine line between encouraging independence and forcing independence upon a child. It's a big fat obvious wall. Encouraging is when we gently support, spur on and give hope to our child once we see that they are physically, mentally and emotionally ready for a task. For instance, an infant of 6 months may be grabbing at food he sees on mom's plate. This may indicate that he's ready for solids. So we give him a bit of cereal or applesauce to test the waters. That's encouraging. Perhaps another child of the same age is not displaying signs of readiness. Do we hold him down and shove food in with a funnel? Of course not! That would be traumatizing (not to mention dangerous).
My 5 year old daughter is ready for school. She's shown her independence enough to skip merrily to class each morning. To get on a bus with her little friends and smile as she waves goodbye. These took time and gentle encouragement by the way. It didn't happen overnight. Now she's adjusted and being told "ready or not.. this is what you'll do. If you don't, we'll force you to do it anyway." I don't see that as encouraging readiness. If I play a part in this forced independence I have abandoned her. Abandonment does not foster independence. Rather, it causes feelings of abandonment. I will not do that to my child.
I do not have a plan. I do not know where this will go. But it wouldn't be my first time up against a system that works against nature. It won't be my last. As always, the she-bear must protect her young from a beast designed to devour.
Sign in at the office as a visitor. It's your right to see your child to the classroom. If school policy is there for "safety" then having a visitor's badge every day allows you to walk to class.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, they're fostering dependence rather than independence, giving children horrible memories of their early school days and setting them up for failure.
I agree with Katie. In addition to a visitor's pass allowing you to walk your child to class, it is possible that your daily requests will annoy the staff enough that they may complain about it to whoever can change that rule, if you're not able to be heard otherwise, or if you're more of a passive aggressive person. I don't take my son to my gym's supervised play area as often as I used to because there is a (childless) caregiver that pries my son away from me almost as soon as I've walked in the door, before he's comfortably adjusted to the change in environment. I think she expects him to be materialistic and desire toys more than his mother. He's otherwise incredibly independent and confident, and will probably be able to separate easily sooner than other kids of similar age, but for right now he's in the "stranger danger" phase. After a few times of being suddenly ripped from my arms, he now clings to me whenever I enter the playroom, because he associates that environment with negative emotions. You're absolutely right to be concerned about not allowing your daughter to draw her own line for her independence.
ReplyDeleteI would like to say first that I dont have any children but through study I have come to realize that sending any child to school should probably be considered last resort territory, what you describe sounds like conditioning, the teachers or administration may not be aware of it but what the policy is doing is breaking the bond between parent and child, its so 1984/Brave New World, I have found that the vast majority of christians who are homeschooling site the same complaints that you bring up, Please look into Pavlovian/Skinnerian conditioning, and the author, Charlotte Iserbyt and John Taylor Gatto, when I read your experience i just feel a deep horror, dont let these people's rules scar your child.
ReplyDeleteIf she cries or seems upset make excuses and get out of that place. I will never forget my mom pulling me out of school angrily and arguing with someone in an office because my history book had Carter as president - it was1987 and i stayed home that year
John Taylor Gatto [Former teacher]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ogCc8ObiwQ
Many home school subjects have a christian tilt but they are vital to help you study what to do, look up B. F. Skinner, Benjamin Bloom and issues like Pavlovian conditioning & learned helplessness
" Other experiments were performed with different animals with similar results. In all cases, the strongest predictor of a depressive response was lack of control over the negative stimulus. One such later experiment, presented by Finkelstein and Ramey (1977), consisted of two groups of human babies. One group was placed into a crib with a sensory pillow, designed so that the movement of the baby’s head could control the rotation of a mobile. The other group had no control over the movement of the mobile and could only enjoy looking at it. Later, both groups of babies were tested in cribs that allowed the babies to control the mobile. Although all the babies now had the power to control the mobile, only the group that had already learned about the sensory pillow bothered to use it (Finkelstein & Ramey, 1977)."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness
When i did go to school the children all acted this way, they wouldint even complain they just let the teacher tell them off and they knew their mom would back the teacher up against them, they were also impressed by my french [ all of which i had learned from pepe le pew!]
sorry to dump all this here but if it helps you get your little girl out of that kiddie jail - i just cant help myself-
Peace & love
Thanks Katie and Jocelyn for the input.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: Thanks for the great links. Yes I do know of John Taylor Gatto as I've blogged about him in the past. Wonderful info you've shared.
I believe that the reason children have a hard time with going to school at young ages, is because they aren't ready. Look at Waldorf education, Thomas Jefferson ed. etc. That is a time when they need their mothers. I believe that it's our spirit and theirs telling us that they aren't ready, they still need us, to nurture them, to love them. That's too young to force learning. Learning comes when we are ready. Just my experience as a mom who public schooled, and now homeschools. And I have a lot of kiddos!
ReplyDelete