One of the most difficult situations to deal with is the separation anxiety that occurs when we make the choice to mother our children. It's not so much that the child's upset is disturbing but the comments of the other parents.
"See! Your spoiling him!"Not much else can undermine a young mother's confidence in her choices the way these comments can. So are you spoiling your child by breastfeeding, co-sleeping and shunning "cry it out" methods of parenting? Will attachment parenting spoil the young?
"Oh she'll be clinging to you when she's
10.. you need to stop breastfeeding!"
"She'll never become independent with
all that nursing and picking her up every time she cries."
Your child's reaction to separation (aka crying) is a normal survival instinct. Your baby has no concept of time or understanding that something that is out of his sight still exists or will return at a later time. He does know, however, instinctively, that your presence is essential to his survival. His crying is a communication that he needs to be near you. "Please don't leave me; I can't live without you." has never been more truthfully spoken than through the cries of a child. Without your body to keep him warm; your touch to stimulate his senses; your milk to nourish and comfort him, he cannot survive.
So what about my toddler that cries, you may ask. Yes, an older toddler can understand that mom goes away and mom returns. Does this mean she won't cry? Does it mean her instinct for survival is different? No. It means she has such a loving bond with you that it breaks her heart to be away from you. Her survival instinct is still in full gear. After all, could that 2 or 3 year old survive if you walked away forever? Could she fend for and support herself? No she couldn't. Therefore her instinct is to beg you not to leave her.
Fill the Need; The Need Goes Away
Studies have shown that mothers who fulfill those needs have children who are comfortable, confident and independent in their teen years. Those who didn't cry when they're parents left; who were permitted to cry it out; who were bottle-fed; slept in their own cribs, etc.. these children later exhibited needs that should have been filled long ago. They look for love and comfort through sex and drugs and emotional co-dependency; they are more likely to give in to peer pressure. All because those needs were never filled.
Studies show us that attachment and dependency are not one and the same. I can be emotionally attached (love) someone without being dependent upon them. However, there is certainly a link but not the link others would suppose. Attachment (an emotional bond where mutual needs are met) produces independence through security. Detachment (a lack of an emotional bond) creates dependency (a need that hasn't been filled.) It doesn't get much simpler than that.
So is your child spoiled? No. Your child is running on instinct and need. Fill the need; the need goes away. Ignore the need; the need remains and exhibits itself in unhealthy ways later.
would totally agree. One cannot spoil a baby as the baby is not yet developed enough cognitively to be spoiled. To be spoiled a child has to be old enough to understand that his actions can cause a specific reaction in another person. My son was breastfed on demand all of his infancy as well as for comfort after he reached the age of eating regular food. He is now just shy of 13, and I can tell you he is definately not spoiled (though he does have issues), nor is he in anyway overly dependant, on the contrary he is quite independant, having learned at an early age that mom would be there to take care of his basic needs, so he was free to explore and not worry.
ReplyDeleteIt is so good to hear this. My instinct tells me to always be there for my baby and I could never understand how to “let him cry it out”. Now I’m more comfortable and confident in going with my instinct as a mother. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI’m so glad you ladies left comments! Yes, Holly, that’s been my experience as well. I have 5 children but, unfortunately, the first two were not mothered by instinct but my conventional so-called “wisdom”. I can see a distinct difference in them as opposed to the last 3 children who were mothered naturally.
ReplyDeleteAllison, I’m so glad I provided something you needed to hear!
My daughter had some serious social anxiety issues when she was younger. She would not leave my side from 6 months till she was almost 3 years old. I couldn’t even leave the room without her looking for me. However, once she started school, everything changed. She is now the most outgoing, social child in her class.
ReplyDeleteMy 4th child would have nothing to do with anyone other than her father, me and her siblings until she was 4. It never concerned me. Suddenly one day she was running up to people and saying hello.. literally-- in one day.
ReplyDeleteShe turned out fine.