Oh the Tantrums!

What mother hasn't been in this predicament? Child screaming and crying, arms flailing, legs kicking? And what is a mother to do? There is so much advice out there from well-meaning "experts", grandparents and friends.. and even passersby if the tantrum is taking place in the most feared of places: PUBLIC!

So, what do you do?

We've all been down this road. Of my 5 children, my 3rd and 5th were the ones who had tantrums. Your view of the tantrum is what leads you to handle it correctly or incorrectly. Perhaps you're of the belief (false as it is) that the child is attempting to manipulate the parent into giving in to the child for some reason? Maybe you've been told that it's just a "meltdown" and the answer is to ignore it. So which is it? Overwhelming emotion or manipulation? The answer is: It can be either.

On the one hand, a toddler has little experience with emotions and how to handle them. When they feel an emotion and don't know what to do with it, they cry. It's no different than when they were infants who couldn't put their emotions/needs into words. The more frustrated they become, the worse it gets. At times like these, we must consider: do they need food? Low blood sugar leads to these meltdowns. Are they tired? Are they disappointed? They are human and telling them they can't have their way results in disappointment just as we feel disappointed to not get our way. Perhaps they are angry and this is the cause. At other times, it's clear that the child is just angry. Or even that they're just making a lot of noise, with no real emotion behind it, just to get attention.

In some cases, the problem is that they are young. They've only had, what, a year or two of experience with this world and the emotions it can trigger? Should we, then, expect them to behave with wisdom, know-how and maturity? Or like all other things in their little world, should we understand that this is a new experience and the child must be taught more about it?

If the child is frustrated, give them words to apply to the emotion. "Aww you're sad, aren't you?" or "It's so frustrating when you can't get the blocks to stay stacked, isn't it?" and a hug always helps while saying these things. By responding right away, giving them affection, showing with your words that you do understand their feelings and thusly helping them to understand their feelings and the words to express them.. you are training them to handle their emotions better as children and later as adults. (Don't you hate adults that blow up in anger rather than talking? Chances are they were never taught how to express themselves appropriately.)

"So what if the tantrum is because they didn't get their way? Do I coddle them then too???" First, it's not coddling. It's training/teaching. And yes, you continue to train them at that time too. After all, who wants an adult that can't handle not getting his way? I've known some of those, and they're even less fun than the tantrum-throwing-toddler!

You're the adult. You set the tone. It's only as difficult as you make it. In some cases, putting the emotion into words with a reminder is good. "I know you're frustrated. But screaming isn't allowed." will work. Other times, a short "knock it off!" works. Still other times may warrant a swat on the behind. Sometimes, you start with the firm validation and reminder to behave and it still ends in a swat.

As parents, we must take lessons from nature. In nature, animals discipline. They do not allow their young to become irritating; wander off into danger or break rules which put the "family" at jeapordy. There are firm limits which are enforced by the parent. God has put this into them instinctively. We humans could learn a lesson here.