What “Cry-It-Out” Teaches

I usually try to write these articles in a very non-emotional state. Educational is the word of the day most of the time. But tonight is different. I just did a search for letting children “cry it out” and I must say I’m sick to my stomach. The blogs, articles, forums, etc where people justify; make excuses; root each other on in this most cruel practice is simply nauseating! I want to reach through the screen, grab people and shake some sense into them. Question them. Make them think!!!

So why is “crying it out” so harmful? Why all the strong feelings? Well first, I ask you to put yourself in that place. Let's say you’re upset and you go to your spouse or friend to express “I’m upset about…” and the spouse says “oh just get over it” and walks away. Feeling humiliated? Your feelings have been minimized and disregarded completely. Feeling “how can he/she love me but ignore my pain?” Perhaps your partner feels that if he/she ignores your feelings, they’ll simply go away. Now, the next time you feel you need to share with your partner, how likely will you be to do that? What if the partner does this again and again? Will you eventually just shut up and not bother?

Now let’s look at the baby. Baby’s instinct is to be held, nurtured, loved, fed, changed, comforted. He can’t talk. He cries. Perhaps it’s a toddler. Sure, toddlers can talk but they don’t always have the words to express their feelings. So they cry when they’re disappointed rather than say “hey mom.. ya know I am really rather disappointed that you’re cooking dinner when I’m ready to play with you.” (Sorry but toddlers aren’t good at analyzing their feelings.) But you don’t want to be bothered right now. So you allow the child (who is trying to express themselves) to cry it out. Ignore their feelings and they’ll go away, right? Child is scared, humiliated, feeling like you don’t care or love him. And the feelings? They do not go away. They get "stuffed". Sooner or later, there will be a way for them to leak out, by the way. Depression, self-harm, violence.. it'll come back later.

“But, Michelle! Crying it out DOES work. I let my 5 month old cry it out 3 nights in a row in his crib and like magic he learned to go to sleep on his own!” you may say to me. I say, "Sure he did." He learned that you will not be there for him, so why bother? He learned that he is not worthy of your love and attention, so why bother? He learned that he is not loveable, important, or as important as whatever else you’re more interested in doing. He gave up. You’ve taught him all of those things in just a few “sessions”.

It’s amazing how their little brains pick so much up like sponges. You got your way. Congratulations.